Life Lost Love Gained
by crazyevildru
Summary: Emmett is thinking about what he can't give Rosalie while Rosalie is thinking about her terrible secret.


**TITLE**: Life Lost / Love Gained  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**

**PAIRING**: Emmett/Rosalie  
**TIMELINE**: During NM  
**LENGTH**: 3387 words

**RATING**: PG13

**DISCLAIMER**: Sadly, I'm only borrowing these characters from Stephenie Meyer.  
**Cross posted**: loveattwilight, twilight_adult, twilight_fics, physical_bond, rosalie_emmett, ,

**BETA**: morrigan728

**-Life Lost-**

I know that somewhere inside, she's hurting still, and probably always will. I see that hurt in her eyes every time we walk down the street and pass a mother and child.

I pretend I don't see it because she tries to hide it so much, but every time I see her hurt that way, I can't help but feel inadequate. I'm stronger than most vampires, newborns included, but as strong as I am, as much as I'm capable of, I'm unable to give her the one thing she truly wants.

I'm not stupid. I know sometimes I'm just a substitute. Sometimes, all I am is a means to end the loneliness, a way to ease the pain of things lost to her forever. Sometimes I can ease that pain and other times, it's too much for her to bear and she'll disappear for hours, for days. And I'm left powerless.

No one understands us, not even Edward. He must think he does because he can hear our thoughts but if he truly understood us, we wouldn't be here. We'd be in Forks.

He doesn't understand what it's like to truly be willing to give up the one thing you cherish if it'd make her happy. He can't understand what it's like knowing that your beloved would rather be somewhere else, someone else, dead somewhere. And if I could give my life to make her human again, to give her life, I would. I'd walk away and lose my soul with her if it would give her life to give a child.

Edward thinks he's showing Bella how much he loves her by walking away, by giving her a life. But if he truly understood her, if he truly were willing to give up what he really cherished, he'd be willing to give up his precious morals and change her. He'd be willing to give in and compromise and bring her into this life, our life. That's what she wants, that's how much she loves him. She's willing to give her life to be with him.

Rosalie, my sweet Rosalie, would never make that choice for me. I would never make her choose between me and a real life. Luckily, there is no way I could ever even give her that choice because there is no way.

Most days, it doesn't bother me. Most days knowing that I'm second choice isn't that horrible because I love her with all I have and she loves me with as much as she has left.

But then we'll walk by a mother and child and the hurt will slip in and remind us both of a life lost.

**-Love Gained-**

I glance over his shoulder at a mother, cradling her newborn to her chest, the father standing at her side, staring down at his child proudly and my contentment vanishes. I steal a glance at Emmett's face and am shamed once again. Every time we pass a new family, child and mama and papa, that regret that's deep seeded in my stomach rears its ugly head. That regret is far worse than the constant dry ache in my throat.

The continuous thirst is far more bearable than my secret.

Emmett slips his arm around my waist and pulls me tighter to him and my heart burns for what I've done.

For the first time since the move, I'm grateful Edward's not around. I won't have to hide my thoughts, won't have to banish myself for a few days. I won't have to work to once again bury my regret, to bury the terrible secret that brought me Emmett.

The secret of what I stole from him.

We're quiet on the walk home and I wish I might have bought something so at least we'd have something to discuss or bring up as we walk in the door. Instead, he kisses my forehead and takes his leave, almost as if he knows the truth.

"Rosalie, you didn't find anything?" Esme asks as she comes down the stairs. "I thought for sure- what's wrong?" She always knows when there's something wrong with one of us. I often think that perhaps she has a little of both Edward and Jasper's gifts. I think it's called mother's intuition.

"Nothing," I mutter quietly as I start up the stairs. I need to hide for a while. I want to just sit in the dark and I can because I don't think Emmett will be back for a while. He always… it's like he knows somehow. It's like somewhere in his heart and soul, he knows the truth. He knows I was watching. He knows what I've done.

"Rosalie," Esme says, stopping me with her hand. "Sweetie, what's wrong? Something's troubling you? Did you hear news of Edward? You can tell me, I-"

"No. I just need to be alone," I say and pull my arm away from her rather harshly. If anyone else would hate me, she would. She would understand what I took, what I did. It's inexcusable and most days, I'm completely able to forget. Most of the time, it's like it never happened. But then we'll pass a family and-

"No, you don't. Why won't you talk to me?"

"Just leave her be," I hear Emmett's voice instruct and I turn to see him at the bottom of the stairs. "Leave her be, Esme," he repeats and I continue up the stairs. I thought for certain he would have gone for a run. I thought he'd have found Jasper and gone hunting. He does love his bears, doesn't he?

Another pang of regret washes over me. Yes he does. That's what got him into this. That's-

I slam the door to our room harshly and grab an unnecessary lamp and throw it against the wall. It smashes into the wall and falls to the floor in bits, along with pieces of dry wall. The sound was satisfying and I grab a box of jewelry off my dresser and lift an arm to heave it across the room when a hand stops me.

"Rose," Emmett whispers calmly. "What's gotten into you? You… you can tell me."

"No, just go," I growl as he takes the box out of my hand and places it back on the dresser.

"Babe, c'mon, it's me," he says, just as calmly, as he wraps his arms around me.

"No," I refuse and push him so hard that he flies back through the door out into the hallway.

I just can't be around him right now, not until I can bury this away again. I can't see his perfect, beautiful face staring at me like I'm some kind of goddess when I know I'm the devil.

I open a drawer and grab my emergency bag with cash and credit cards and start running for the window when he steeles himself in front of me and I slam into him, the sound echoing off the walls.

"I just wanna-"

"Rosalie," he murmurs and touches my face gently and it hurts me just a little bit more. "Please, don't disappear again. Not now. We're already missing Edward and Esme isn't even over losing Bella. Please-"

And that's it, isn't it? That's really why it's so raw right now: Edward. Here he's being told to choose, having Alice tell him he's being selfish for leaving Bella as he did, having Emmett telling how stupid he was leaving Bella as he did. But I know the truth. I've lived the truth. I'm living the truth.

I know the guilt of taking someone's life for your own happiness is far heavier than leaving that someone behind. No one knows that guilt but me. And no one knows my secret but me.

No one can ever know, especially Emmett.

"I'll be back in a few days," I tell him as I step around his massive body and it pains me even still to think of being apart from him. I'm still unsure which is worse: seeing his trusting eyes watching me across the room and having his arms around me or thinking about it, knowing the truth.

"I promise I'll be back in a few days," I say in haste and jump out the window before darting through the forest. I don't know where I'm going, but I just need to run and run and run until I reach shore, until all I can think and all I can feel is the wind and the air. That's when I can shove the memories and guilt so far down that they won't resurface for-

"I'm sorry I'm not good enough!"

What? He's following me? I stop dead in my tracks, driving my heels into the grass as I do.

"I'm sorry I'm second choice," he states and I feel his presence behind me. I can feel his chest against my back, just gently. "I'm sorry I can't replace what you've lost. I'm sorry I can't be what you need, but you have to find a way to let that go, Rosalie. You have to find a way to release that pain so you can be happy, so we can be happy, truly happy."

"What?" I whisper and feel his hands on my shoulders and I could almost cry at the love in his touch. I feel his fingers brush my hair back so he can kiss my cheek softly. "What do you mean my second choice? You're not my second choice!" How could he think that? He's my ONLY choice. The only thing I ever really did choose.

"You don't have to lie for my benefit," he says in my ear and starts to wrap his arms around my waist but I step away to turn and look at him, horrified. Why does he think I'm lying?

"I don't know what you're saying to me, Em."

"We've been together for how many years and you think I don't know you? You think I don't know your heart? You think I don't know what you want the most? The one and only thing I can never give you and I- I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to settle. I'm sorry you're stuck in this life you don't want, a life with me and-"

"Emmett!" I practically shout. "How can you even think that I don't want this life with you? I- I CHOSE you! I love you. I'm grateful every day and night for you. I- you do know my heart. You know it's yours. There was no other choice that I could have- once I saw you and-"

"Don't," he shakes his head and puts a finger to my lips. "I know, okay? You think I haven't noticed your face? Every time you see a mother holding her kid, Rose, you get so sad, so hurt. And if there was a way to give you your humanity back, if there was some way I could do that for you, I'd do it, anything. If my death could somehow give you your life back, I'd do it. In a second I'd do it. I'd-"

"Oh god, you think- Emmett, Baby… you…"

He's thought that? All this time he's thought that I was wishing him away? He thought… what? That I'd run away for a few days because of him? Because of not wanting him? Because of-

"Emmett, no," I whisper softly and stroke his cheek lovingly. "No… that's not… no. I'd never want a life without you. Don't ever, EVER, say that! Never!" I can't even imagine my existence without him. "From the very first second I saw you, I couldn't imagine a world, MY world, without you in it."

"I know you want to believe that, but I see you hurting and-"

"No. It's not-" Oh god. I can't tell him this. I can't. He'll… he'll hate me. God, what I took from him, what I stole, what I did to him… what I let happen and all for what? For my own selfish reasons.

Due to my own selfishness, I let a man die. I let MY man die. He's a beautiful, sweet, loving, amazing person and I- I- I can't tell him. I can't ever, ever tell him.

"Rosalie, you're shaking," he says, hands locking under my elbows to steady me. "Please, tell me what's wrong."

"You'll hate me," I whisper. "You'll… you'll hate me and I couldn't bear it."

I haven't cried in years; I didn't even think I could but I feel a small tear in the corner of my eye.

"I could never hate you," he says and lifts my chin up so I have to find his eyes with my own. "EVER." I turn my head away but he catches my chin again and my eyes slowly meet his as he continues, "I couldn't ever hate you. You are my life. You're my everything and you're shaking. Please-"

"I… I didn't find you," I interrupt him softly. "I didn't… I mean I did. But I didn't."

"What are you talking about?"

"Please… please don't hate me, Em. If I tell you, please, promise me you won't leave me."

"I will never leave you," he states and it sounds so true. He sounds so honest because he is. Of course he wouldn't leave me because I made him to love me. But that's not to say he won't despise me or worse.

"Hey," he whispers and I feel his thumb brush away the tear from my cheek. "Please… let me help you. Let me- just tell me. If it's hurting you, I wanna take it away, Angel."

Oh god hearing the word come from his lips just reminds me of what I've done, of my deceit. He said I was the angel who saved him. He said I was the face he saw as the venom spread and his body died. He said mine was the voice he heard singing to him, calming his soul and he said he knew he must be dead when he saw me because I was clearly an angel.

"I-" God. I look away, bury my face in his chest and inhale deeply. The intoxicating scent of one made for me calms my nerves and soothes me for a second. "I was hunting in the woods when I found you. I should have just… left you alone. If I had, you'd… you could have had a family and a wife and a house. You could have been a father. You would have made such an amazing father and-"

"I was near death, Rose. You saved me. Without you, I'd be dead. I'd be- well, more dead, since I guess technically we are dead, or undead, it's not really clear."

"No." I shake my head. "No, Emmett. You weren't. I- I was hunting, looking for bears or something and I heard a heartbeat. At first I thought it was a bear but then I saw you through a clearing in the trees. You… you were sitting on a rock, flipping through a book. Every now and then you'd glance up and look around, scanning the area. I crept closer and the closer I got, the more beautiful you were."

"How come you never told me this?" he smiles softly because he doesn't know my treachery. He smiles hopefully because he thinks it's that I fell in love with him when I saw him and found him later and wanted to save him, but-

I ignore his question and pull away completely out of his embrace.

"I was only a couple feet from you when I really caught your scent and it- it drove me wild. It still does, but that- I'd never wanted a human's blood so badly. I could practically taste you on my tongue. It was all I could do not to lunge after you. I gripped a tree so hard, it broke and it spooked you. You got up and I followed at a distance, trying to find the will to leave you alone, trying to find the will to leave you alive."

I remember squeezing my own arms so hard, four of my nails broke off while trying to pierce my skin.

"I watched you for maybe an hour, trying to force myself to leave, hoping Edward would hear my thoughts, what I wanted to do… wanting- you… you know what I wanted." I don't need to rehash those details for him because he knows now all the thoughts that ran through my head in that hour.

"So how did you find the strength to leave me?"

"I didn't. I… started thinking then, after a while, about Carlisle and how he described what Esme was like for him, the one whose blood sang to him and I knew you were mine. I just felt it. And I should have left."

"Well I'm lucky you didn't, aren't I? I never would have had anything, had my angel not been there to-"

"No," I can barely whisper. "You… you would have been fine. You… Emmett," I almost feel my soul breaking. "Emmett, I… I sent the bear. I- I chased him right to you. I knew Carlisle would never change a healthy- I… I did it. It was me."

I can't believe I said it. I can't believe… I can't believe I told him. He's going to hate me. He's going to- he'll despise me and I'll have to tell Carlisle what I did. I'll- Esme will know and-

And he's kissing me.

He's kissing me. His arms are wrapped tightly around me and he's spinning me around, my legs flying out as he keeps his lips to mine, tongue doing those naughty little things I love. It dances over the edges of my teeth, tasting my venom as it starts flowing.

When I'm left dizzy from his mouth, he finally stops spinning us both and we land on the ground with a loud bang, him on top of me.

"Emmett, what are you-"

But he silences me again with his mouth and he holds my wrists down in the grass.

"I'm kissing my girl crazy, that's what I'm doing," he smiles so happily. I think the only other time I've ever seen him smile so widely was at each of our weddings.

"I don't- I just told you that I basically… I… murdered you and-"

"And so?" he shrugs and kisses my neck. "Who cares? You picked ME! You… you chose me! Here all this time I thought you wanted kids first and me second, but… it was me all along!"

"But you could have had-"

"Why would I have wanted anything else the second I saw you?" he wonders and kisses my lips softly. "Angel, there has never been, nor will there ever be, anything more for me than you. You said it yourself, I'm your singer, right? I was and always will be, just like you're mine, or would have been."

"You… you don't hate me?"

He just laughs. "Silly girl, I wanna marry you!"

He grabs my waist and rolls us over and over again on the grass, kissing me and giggling like crazy.

"We're already married," I giggle. I can't help but get swept up in his exuberance.

"Well I wanna marry you again, Rosalie Hale."

He stops us when he's over me once again, arms around me, enclosing me and letting me get lost in his scent, the scent that was made for me.

"I wanna marry you again, Angel. What do you say? Be my wife for the ninth time?"

"Okay," I nod as I stare into those big gorgeous eyes that have always been my safe and sacred place. He really… I stare into his eyes and he really doesn't even care about what I told him, what I've been hiding, what's been hurting me. He doesn't care. He's happy I chose him. "Okay," I repeat, more firmly than before.

I guess all this time, we've both been wrong. He thought I was regretting him and my life lost and I thought I'd stolen something from him that he wouldn't have wanted in the first place.

And the next time we walk by a mother and child? We'll only be reminded of our love gained.

**-Fin-**


End file.
